When I walked through the doors today, I already felt exhausted. These past few months have been filled with ups and downs. At points I have felt defeated, at other points I have felt elated. Some days have left me feeling drained and pushed my towards unhealthy coping mechanisms. Other days have left me feeling on top of the world and willing to take on any and every upcoming challenge.
So, what has happened to create this repertoire of feelings? I have run, I have dated, I have danced, I have spent time with friends and family, I have started planning my summer, and I have taught. Each of these activities takes time and emotional energy, yet they also build my strength and help me grow.
I pushed myself to step outside my comfort zone and I online dated - something I never saw myself doing. Yet, like so many experiences, I found myself observing others and learning even more about myself. For instance, I talk… especially when I am nervous. I also learned that in a relationship I need someone who will be confident and willing to stand up against me. I feel frustrated by a passive personality – not sure what that says about my nature. I also learned that it is a huge thing to risk my heart. I have experienced hurt – to say I have “been hurt” is not accurate, because my decisions contributed to the hurt. Even so, the idea of opening up and being vulnerable makes my hold tight to myself and take a deep breath. It scares me. I know it is worth the risk, I know that I will have to take that risk if I want to fall in love, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am scared. I have committed to being honest about how I feel in the presence of the other person, judging my level of attraction, and not convincing myself of feelings I do not have. I am not risking my heart, nor wasting my time on something that is not right for me. I am content being single; I love my life… my friends, my family and the passion I have chosen. When I find an individual, who truly touches something deep inside my heart and my desires, I will stop exploring… and risk.
So many things come in contact with our hearts - feelings, fears, dreams, desires and words. All of these things impact how we see the world and experience things around us. I am so blessed. My family and friends continually pour beautiful and uplifting words into my life. I love you – such common words during my childhood and even now it is said freely.
Sometimes words are not uplifting. Instead they are hurtful and frustrating. It breaks my heart to hear my kids share words that express hurt. “My Dad didn’t come and get me this weekend”, “My mom was sleeping this morning so I got my brother and I ready on my own”, and “I can’t”. They express their feelings with guards down, feeling safe enough to share. Sometimes I observe the hurt instead. Watching a student blow-up and be brought to tears in frustration. Each day we are bombarded with words – in my world it is mainly “Miss Mac”, I cannot even count the number of times I hear my name in a day. However, there are days where words, even those of a 9 year old, bruise my heart. An escalation that ends with the words “I hate you” is both frustrating and draining. That moment can crush the best efforts to communicate daily that I care and want to help.
Yet, time and time again, uplifting words win over. Today, all feelings of frustration and defeat were pushed away when I found a small piece of paper and read these words. “Miss Mac - Excellent teacher, fun teacher, joyful teacher, best in the world teacher, and most likely to change the world.” The fact that it was spelled incorrectly with a lopsided flower circling the words just melted my heart.
I want to share words – that is why I feel such release in journaling and writing on this blog. Being honest sometimes demands that we be in that hard place and share words that can truly have the power to break our hearts. However, there are also moments where we need to share words that build up and encourage those around us. Our words have such power and I would like to use them to melt hearts.
So, what has happened to create this repertoire of feelings? I have run, I have dated, I have danced, I have spent time with friends and family, I have started planning my summer, and I have taught. Each of these activities takes time and emotional energy, yet they also build my strength and help me grow.
I pushed myself to step outside my comfort zone and I online dated - something I never saw myself doing. Yet, like so many experiences, I found myself observing others and learning even more about myself. For instance, I talk… especially when I am nervous. I also learned that in a relationship I need someone who will be confident and willing to stand up against me. I feel frustrated by a passive personality – not sure what that says about my nature. I also learned that it is a huge thing to risk my heart. I have experienced hurt – to say I have “been hurt” is not accurate, because my decisions contributed to the hurt. Even so, the idea of opening up and being vulnerable makes my hold tight to myself and take a deep breath. It scares me. I know it is worth the risk, I know that I will have to take that risk if I want to fall in love, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am scared. I have committed to being honest about how I feel in the presence of the other person, judging my level of attraction, and not convincing myself of feelings I do not have. I am not risking my heart, nor wasting my time on something that is not right for me. I am content being single; I love my life… my friends, my family and the passion I have chosen. When I find an individual, who truly touches something deep inside my heart and my desires, I will stop exploring… and risk.
So many things come in contact with our hearts - feelings, fears, dreams, desires and words. All of these things impact how we see the world and experience things around us. I am so blessed. My family and friends continually pour beautiful and uplifting words into my life. I love you – such common words during my childhood and even now it is said freely.
Sometimes words are not uplifting. Instead they are hurtful and frustrating. It breaks my heart to hear my kids share words that express hurt. “My Dad didn’t come and get me this weekend”, “My mom was sleeping this morning so I got my brother and I ready on my own”, and “I can’t”. They express their feelings with guards down, feeling safe enough to share. Sometimes I observe the hurt instead. Watching a student blow-up and be brought to tears in frustration. Each day we are bombarded with words – in my world it is mainly “Miss Mac”, I cannot even count the number of times I hear my name in a day. However, there are days where words, even those of a 9 year old, bruise my heart. An escalation that ends with the words “I hate you” is both frustrating and draining. That moment can crush the best efforts to communicate daily that I care and want to help.
Yet, time and time again, uplifting words win over. Today, all feelings of frustration and defeat were pushed away when I found a small piece of paper and read these words. “Miss Mac - Excellent teacher, fun teacher, joyful teacher, best in the world teacher, and most likely to change the world.” The fact that it was spelled incorrectly with a lopsided flower circling the words just melted my heart.
I want to share words – that is why I feel such release in journaling and writing on this blog. Being honest sometimes demands that we be in that hard place and share words that can truly have the power to break our hearts. However, there are also moments where we need to share words that build up and encourage those around us. Our words have such power and I would like to use them to melt hearts.
