One of my favorite Psalms is “Be still and know that I am God.” (46:10). My perspective and understanding of the church has shifted over the past few years, but in the core of my being I still believe in the power and limitless love of an omnipresent Creator...whatever form it may take. In moments when I have felt anxious or overwhelmed, this verse will often come to mind and I immediately feel a calm wash over me. Just a small thought, a short phrase, telling me to just “Be still…”
I love the word “Be”, because it refers to your actual state of being, the way you are in each and every moment. “Be” present, “Be” honest, “Be” genuine, “Be” loving, “Be” committed and “Be” real. Sometimes it is difficult to step back from different situations, to truly “Be” present in each moment.
Over the past few months, there have been many changes in my life and my heart has experienced so many overwhelming emotions. In preparing to leave I felt as though I was on a rollercoaster, trying to tie up last minute details, pack, and spend time with people who are precious in my life. There were moments of anticipation and excitement as my departure became 3 sleeps, then 2 sleeps, then 1 sleep away. Then there was spending time with friends and knowing that this was the last time that I would see them for months, which made my heart feel sad and a little lost. And then the climax of leaving the safe embrace of my parents made me feel nauseous with pain. I found myself struggling to try and enjoy each moment with the people that I love, while still allowing myself to feel sad. I felt that everyone expected my attitude to be filled with nothing but excitement, but that definitely wasn’t the only feeling I was experiencing. Inside my chest all I could feel was my heart as it flip-flopped. In the end I drove away, tears were streaming down my face and I was singing out-loud to my Dixie Chicks as they sang Wide Open Spaces.
My saving grace was that I did not make the long journey out East alone. A friend who is so giving and caring, a friend who I feel completely myself with and a friend who loves me despite my flaws and moods, this friend was willing to spend a portion of her holiday to travel with me across the continent…everyone should be so lucky to have such a friend. Her very presence filled the journey with wonderful memories in spite the MANY hours we spent in the car. We saw an albino buffalo named White Cloud in North Dakota, the largest tipi in Medicine Hat, the largest Prairie Chicken in Minnesota, the Mississippi River, the Millennium Park in Chicago, the 8 Mile exit in Detroit and the majestic Niagara Falls after we crossed over back into Canada. We passed billboard after billboard, presenting the local claim to fame and inviting anyone passing-by to join in the fun. The journey was long, but it was filled with laughter and moments of “Did you see that?” I cannot thank Marjie enough, for the time she took to drive with me as I moved from one place to another in my life – both physically and emotionally.
Now I am here, I am settling into a life that is unknown and unfamiliar. I am excited and apprehensive about starting school. I am changing light switches and painting as my friend turns his new condo into a home. I am reconnecting with friends that I have not seen since December and a cousin who, at times, feels like an extension of my personality. At times I feel restless not having a job, at times I miss the people I love, and at times I have to take a deep breath and mentally calm myself down. But I am here… I have arrived in a city I love…I am stepping outside my comfort zone… I am attempting to “be” in a new and exciting place. I will make mistakes, I will get lost, I will feel overwhelmed… but I will be able to pull myself together, I will be able move forward, I will be caught by the friends I have here and those I love at home. And, in some moments I will need to just try to “be”.
