Sleep, Eat, Play...

I am exhausted! I am not burned out, just exhausted. I look at this picture and feel as though even that position would be comfortable enough for me to fall asleep. At times I wish I was could go back to being this little. Go back to falling asleep in the car only to be carried in by my Dad. Go back to feeling completely free of responsibility. Go back to embracing innocence, without feeling challenged to become realistic. Go back to when all our days were filled with sleeping, eating, and playing.

I worked with a child who I called my "Butterfly girl". Last Christmas she gave me a paperweight painted with butterflies; it sits on my desk and reminds me of special memories. She is the most precious child - challenged and blessed in many different ways. I loved working with her, it was like taking time to just go play. When she would have a bath I would close the bathroom door, start the water and wait until the tub was full - meanwhile trapping the steam. Upon opening the door, we would enter a world where steam gave us life, waterfalls gave her special powers, and she became a dolphin. On our block walks, we would spend time finding our treasure and exploring as robots in a strange world. We would spend hours in the world of books and even more time dancing to Michael Buble for exercise. It amazes me how powerful play can be. My cousin and I often discuss how play is woven into so many things we do at work. The butterfly weight that sits on my desk is powerful in reminding me that my children need to play.

There are wonderful things about being an adult. I was able to spend a great weekend with a friend that I have not spent time with for years. We laughed, we drank, and we were just goofy (the main cause for my complete body and mind exhaustion today). To paint you a picture, there were three of us who ended up sitting and drinking in our hotel bathroom - something that seemed logical at the time. There was only a towel keeping light and sound from waking the other teacher sleeping in our hotel room - the challenge was to keep our giggling contained (a difficult task anytime it matters!)

At the end of the weekend, I suppose that in our own way we had spent time sleeping (a very small amount of time!), eating, and playing.

She sounds different...

Yesterday was long. That is a simple statement that encompasses so many things. I felt drained, frustrated and emotional. When I feel that way, I often push those I care about most out to arms length. In most situations I am an extrovert. However, when I am processing feelings and experiences I tend to pull into myself and reflect. Am I sure whether that is the best way to deal with feelings... no...but then again, is anyone sure?
Grandma turned 86 yesterday - what an accomplishment! To have lived such a beautiful and strong existence. To have found someone she truly loved, to have poured continuously into children and grandchildren. To have been a career woman, something foreign to her generation. To have traveled and seen China, Hawaii, Kenya and other parts of North America. To have always shared an opinion that is based on her own thoughts.
I am proud knowing that my ability to debate and express my own thoughts comes from her. My stubborn or at times dogmatic behaviour, my smile, my ambition, my thirst for education and self-improvement, my love of laughter - even the feeling of almost peeing my pants when I laugh too hard... all these things I share with her.
I talked to her on the phone yesterday, wishing her a Happy Birthday and celebrating the life she has lived. She sounds different. There is still the strong, brilliant and beautiful woman that resonates from deep inside, but now it is masked by pain and awareness of how little time she has left. She expresses her desire to see her family and it is clear she feels the end is near.
Our holidays, our laughter, and the core of our family has always revolved around this rock of a woman. She holds us together, she makes moments special...now all things will change. We will adjust, I suppose. Although I wish that she would go peacefully, selfishly I hope she never will.
She has always sounded the same, but now my heart breaks because she sounds different...