Just ten sleeps...

Ten sleeps! As each day comes and goes, the anticipation for Christmas builds. This excitement is contagious - especially when it is spilling out of children. In December, the school gathers in the gym a few mornings a week to sing Christmas Carols. My Grade 4 class, the oldest in the school, often restrains themselves at first. They glance at their peers to check how much they should participate. The kindergarten class on the other hand is the complete opposite. They sing each song with EXTREME enthusiasm, belting out words that are not necessarily correct. They cannot contain their joy – it needs to escape. The songs are all familiar and with each song we sing, the kids become more entranced by the spirit of Christmas. Even my class cannot resist singing out Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (“Had a very shiny nose… Like a Light Bulb!”) They begin to lay down the inhibitions and sing because they are children and their hearts need to believe in the spirit of Christmas.
I find as the days are crossed off my calendar, the spirit of Christmas grows and, like the Grinch, my heart grows 3 sizes. It always amazes me how smells, sights, and sounds can trigger so many memories. As I decorated my own tree, I took out ornaments that each held such meaning. Each year growing up, Mom and Dad would purchase an ornament for both my brother and I. My favorite is an ornament that depicts a little girl dancing with an angel close behind her, mimicking her movement. It is a beautiful picture. The angel is close enough for protection, but keeps enough distance to allow the girl the chance to dance on her own.
If I am being honest, my favorite part is not Christmas day – it is Christmas Eve. Our family tradition is to attend our Church service on Christmas Eve. We arrive early, save seats and join with friends and neighbors to sing Christmas carols and listen to the Christmas story. Then, as we finish with Silent Night a flame is passed from candle to candle until the room is filled with light and song. In that moment, I always cry. Not because I am sad, but because I have hope. I am surrounded by those I love and in that beautiful moment the tears flow freely. My brother often rolls his eyes, but still puts his arms on my shoulders and confirms in his own way that he understands. After hugging and wishing friends a Merry Christmas, we rush home to watch A Muppet Christmas Carol. A wonderful story, that never fails to make me laugh.
That joy and hope that fills me that special night, breaks down walls that sometimes guard my spirit. They stir up a voice that only allows me to sing carols at the top of my lungs. No inhibitions, no bitter feelings, only the heart of a child that needs to believe in the spirit of Christmas.

Make a Wish...

Make a wish... what splendid words to hear. They imply that some way, some how our deepest desires can impact our future. The act creates a small breath of words, often said so that no one will hear. We treat them gently, for we fear they are fragile and will easily break. Yet we still send them out; out into the vast open air, with the hope that someone will hear. With the hope that some way, some how, our wishes will come true.I love to wish. Whether it is wishing on a star as it shoots across the sky or tossing a coin into a wishing pond. Squeezing my eyes tight as I make a wish and blow out candles or making a wish as someone wipes an eyelash from my cheek. Pulling apart a wishbone or listening to beautiful music. Catching snow on your tongue or standing under falling raindrops. All of these moments are made for wishes. We are rarely asked to share our wishes, superstition tells us that it will not come true if we share it. I choose to believe that sharing wishes gives them power. If we never voice our hearts desires, then we are never held accountable to make them come true. We are not expected to hold up our end of the bargin - taking steps to make things happen.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." ~ Marianne Williamson

My Grandmother passed away on November 8th early in the morning. A woman who was a beautiful soul, a wonderful friend, and a loving Grandma. It was a beautiful funeral and a wonderful time to reflect back on the grace-filled life she lived. I have mixed feelings. In many ways I feel relieved. She is no longer suffering, instead she is now resting in a place of infinite peace. In other ways, I can not imagine my life without her. I can not imagine what Christmas will be like. I wish with all my might that the stunning and strong woman was still physically present in my life. I know that the boundaries of life and death prevent this, but it does not stop me from wishing. I do not ever want to stop wishing.

I wish for many things. I wish for a long and healthy life for myself and my family. I wish for friends that I learn from and love to be around. I wish for experiences that challenge me to grow and show me new things. I wish to truly fall into the kind of love that changes your life -"That can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, out of the ball park kind of love." ~ It Takes Two. I wish to raise children who are happy and enjoy life. I wish to live and teach in a way that inspires those around me to live, laugh and love with Passion.

So, I close my eyes...hold my breath...and make a wish.

Sleep, Eat, Play...

I am exhausted! I am not burned out, just exhausted. I look at this picture and feel as though even that position would be comfortable enough for me to fall asleep. At times I wish I was could go back to being this little. Go back to falling asleep in the car only to be carried in by my Dad. Go back to feeling completely free of responsibility. Go back to embracing innocence, without feeling challenged to become realistic. Go back to when all our days were filled with sleeping, eating, and playing.

I worked with a child who I called my "Butterfly girl". Last Christmas she gave me a paperweight painted with butterflies; it sits on my desk and reminds me of special memories. She is the most precious child - challenged and blessed in many different ways. I loved working with her, it was like taking time to just go play. When she would have a bath I would close the bathroom door, start the water and wait until the tub was full - meanwhile trapping the steam. Upon opening the door, we would enter a world where steam gave us life, waterfalls gave her special powers, and she became a dolphin. On our block walks, we would spend time finding our treasure and exploring as robots in a strange world. We would spend hours in the world of books and even more time dancing to Michael Buble for exercise. It amazes me how powerful play can be. My cousin and I often discuss how play is woven into so many things we do at work. The butterfly weight that sits on my desk is powerful in reminding me that my children need to play.

There are wonderful things about being an adult. I was able to spend a great weekend with a friend that I have not spent time with for years. We laughed, we drank, and we were just goofy (the main cause for my complete body and mind exhaustion today). To paint you a picture, there were three of us who ended up sitting and drinking in our hotel bathroom - something that seemed logical at the time. There was only a towel keeping light and sound from waking the other teacher sleeping in our hotel room - the challenge was to keep our giggling contained (a difficult task anytime it matters!)

At the end of the weekend, I suppose that in our own way we had spent time sleeping (a very small amount of time!), eating, and playing.

She sounds different...

Yesterday was long. That is a simple statement that encompasses so many things. I felt drained, frustrated and emotional. When I feel that way, I often push those I care about most out to arms length. In most situations I am an extrovert. However, when I am processing feelings and experiences I tend to pull into myself and reflect. Am I sure whether that is the best way to deal with feelings... no...but then again, is anyone sure?
Grandma turned 86 yesterday - what an accomplishment! To have lived such a beautiful and strong existence. To have found someone she truly loved, to have poured continuously into children and grandchildren. To have been a career woman, something foreign to her generation. To have traveled and seen China, Hawaii, Kenya and other parts of North America. To have always shared an opinion that is based on her own thoughts.
I am proud knowing that my ability to debate and express my own thoughts comes from her. My stubborn or at times dogmatic behaviour, my smile, my ambition, my thirst for education and self-improvement, my love of laughter - even the feeling of almost peeing my pants when I laugh too hard... all these things I share with her.
I talked to her on the phone yesterday, wishing her a Happy Birthday and celebrating the life she has lived. She sounds different. There is still the strong, brilliant and beautiful woman that resonates from deep inside, but now it is masked by pain and awareness of how little time she has left. She expresses her desire to see her family and it is clear she feels the end is near.
Our holidays, our laughter, and the core of our family has always revolved around this rock of a woman. She holds us together, she makes moments special...now all things will change. We will adjust, I suppose. Although I wish that she would go peacefully, selfishly I hope she never will.
She has always sounded the same, but now my heart breaks because she sounds different...

Looking through sunglasses...

There are seconds and minutes which will stay with you forever; images that become stamped on your memory movie-reel and emerge ever so often to remind you of previous experiences. In a moment of recollection you are instantly able to remember the smells, sounds, and feelings of those experiences. Just over a year ago, I stood on the edge of a breathtaking view in Rome. I was standing with my beautiful cousin and friend, Heather. We had tummies full of gelato (a hunt that involved 100 flavors and HOURS of walking - but that's another story) and our faces were basking in the rays of a gorgeous sunset. We were both wearing sunglasses to cut the glare and this led to the discussion that the images captured with a camera never measure up to the image that we see through our sunglasses. What followed was a series of attempts take pictures with our cameras through our sunglasses... I have since learned that we were not the first to think of this ingenious idea. You are able to purchase lenses that create the same effect - who knew!
At that moment we were both on the brink of experiencing new things - for Heather it was beginning the education journey towards her dream occupation. For myself it was finishing University and beginning the transition into becoming a teacher. In that moment, however, it was impossible to feel anxiety around what was ahead. Instead, we were just present in that place and time - looking through our sunglasses.
This precious memory was triggered as I was jogging last night. I fell into pace with Jason Mraz's - I'm Yours and my eyes began to take in the beauty around me. I am blessed to live in such a gorgeous area... where the air is fresh, the roads are quiet, and the leaves are changing colour. I stopped to just take in the beautiful scene as the sun crept towards the horizon. I looked at the row of shelter trees and alternated between my natural unaltered view to that through my sunglasses. Again I was reminded of how the colours come alive through this simple lens. Fall is my favorite time of year. It is filled with such change - but instead of making me feeling sad about coming to the end, it graciously entices me into the next season.
There are many moments when I feel that seeing the reality of situations is important. Life is filled with obstacles and situations that feel raw with reality. Lately, it feels as though many of my experiences have been full of real life. Watching Grandma decline in both health and spirit makes my stomach clench and my heart sink.
But... then there are moments when I feel refreshed. Spending time with souls I love fills my heart with new colours and vibrance. Waking at dawn to slice through water that used to intimidate me. Running and feeling the strength of my legs push me forward. Sitting down at my desk to find little notes, pictures and remenants of the 26 little lives that make my one life very entertaining. All these moments together create an image. To me it is clear and full of colour that can only be seen looking through sunglasses.

Like snowflakes...

The feeling of anticipation that led up to Tuesday, the first day of school, was something foreign to me. I had butterflies in my stomache and my mind danced keeping me awake all of Monday night. Yet, as I drove to school in the morning my imagination ran wild with the possibilities that would soon fill my quiet classroom. I waited, with the excitment of a child on Christmas Eve, watching as the clock ticked away the minutes.

All at once, the echoing silence became filled with energy and personality. I met parents who's eyes said both, "Thank goodness school has finally started" and "I do not know you, yet my child will be spending most of their waking hours with you."

I also met my students at the door. I noticed that some were tentative and offered only a shy smile when I introduced myself. I wanted to whisper in their ear that I was feeling the same way...butterflies and everything! Yet, throughout the day they allowed glimpses into their personalities and I began to see the differences that make each of these chilren so unique. There was still that nervousness that is coupled with the uncertainty of a new situation - yet, we began to feel more comfortable in this space.

Over the past few days I have been bombarded with many different emotions. I have at times felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and tired. Yet, with the same breath, I have never felt more exhilarated, patient, and energized. I am surrounded by a wonderful, supportive staff and I have an angel in my room (part time). She is the Educational Assistant who works in my classroom for half of the day and without question she is truly a beautiful soul. She is able to offer both wisdom and a different perspective - above that she uses such kind words of encouragement that have the ability to calm and warm my heart. I believe that this is "the beginning of a beautiful friendship".

This is truly my passion. I understand that this may not always be true, however, I choose to be present and purposeful in this moment. I wish to pour out what I have to offer onto these precious ones and for the short time I have - believe in them, love them, and learn from them. Without a question there is nothing more rewarding than hearing from a parent that this is the first time that their child has been excited to go to school. Or to look up into 26 smiling faces and realize that they feel safe and happy in this room.

How blessed am I to awake each day and know that I am making a difference? And to see that each student is so uniquely beautiful. Like snowflakes...

Pulling at my Heartstrings...

Have you ever envisioned this metaphor? In my mind, the words create this picture of a bright red heart (blood red, I suppose) completely separate from the body. The heart has different points along the surface where pieces of thread are sewn into the tissue - the threads appear to be pulled off towards different directions. The heart contracts and expands with its life-giving pump, but as it completes this common act it alternates in pulling each of these threads. To the observer, there may appear to be little damage, as the threads are pulled tight. However, to the heart and the soul it is connected to - each pump and each thread are felt deeply.

In our lives each of these strings are attached to various things - our family, our friends, our dreams, our home, and other things that we form attachments too. As I begin to move back into my newly renovated home, I face the challenge of purging items I no longer need. Yet, as I attempt to part with certain items I find it difficult to let go of these attachments.

At times these strings must survive great strain. Where at moments, it does feel as if each beat of our hearts causes a deep pain that rips at our very core. My puppy Radar, who was only a part of my family for a short time, was quick to sew a thread into my heart. I felt joy in spending time with him playing, relaxing, and finding solace in another being which asked nothing but simple love in return. Last week his short time with me ended abruptly when he was hit by a car; immediately causing my heartstrings to pull so tight I felt as though it were ripping at my heart. Although it is both difficult and frustrating to experience such loss - it is this ability to form attachments and feel so deeply that makes us souls not just bodies.

In watching a loved one or even a complete stranger experience pain, we are able to develop an instant attachment, which then flows into a deep heart of compassion. This ability to feel deeply is what stirs us to comfort someone grieving, or support a less fortunate child. It leads us to stand-up for someone being bullied, to play with children, and to provide physical care for those who need the assistance. At times we repress these feelings of compassion and raw emotion for fear of social implications and the vulnerability we feel in that moment. How both sad and terrifying because it is what makes us human, it is what keeps evil from having full reign over the world.

Although there has been serious tension on my heartstrings lately, I know that the feeling of pain and compassion lead me in a more genuine direction towards being a soul that will give, listen and love. What if when our heartstrings were pulling us in a certain direction - what if just followed where they lead?

Catching Dreams...

I have discovered a new favorite song. One that stops me from breathing and simultaneously sends my heart in motion. The message is clear and is one we should embrace - yet sadly we often do not.
"One minute is fading, one minute has passed... but I've got this moment to make it all last. I'm standing before you taking my chance on everything I never though I could be... because you can do almost anything...if you just believe. You can move mountains with dreams. The higher you climb, the better it gets. Because you will see things you'll never forget."

~Suize McNeil "Believe"


What powerful words. While I listen I close my eyes and my heart's dreams fill my mind's eye. It is amazing how this happens - how music can draw up such feelings.


As I sit with the sun warming every part of me, I think about dreams. Sometimes we have the courage to dream, yet lack the commitment to take steps to make them happen. At other times our spirits are filled with such sadness and disappointment in ourselves that we forget how to dream. The teacher inside me desires to guide these individuals and teach them to once again be led by their deepest desires. However, dreaming is such an individual experience. No one can see your inner thoughts and dreams... I believe that is what makes them so precious.


In a course I took recently, they challenge each individual to develop a purpose, using words and actions that are of personal value. In doing so you create a guidepost to direct your lifestyle. At the completion of the course my purpose was... "To inspire others to smile, dream, and live with passion." In other words, I may not be able to teach someone to dream - but hopefully I am able to inspire them to dream by the way I chose to live and dream myself.

Originality

Originality – grown out of the human desire to leave our own unique footprint on the world.
How many different establishments are built on this desire…to create something new or to do something differently than others? As I drove through the city today, I was struck by how many different businesses are simply a consumer venue for originality. Although, like many, I enjoy discovering something unique in the consumer world – I still hope that my originality is more meaningful and deep. It was the next activity of exploring creativity that led me to wonder these things.

The goal - to list 100 different uses for an ordinary pencil. The challenge – to continue being original after reaching 30. Feeling at a loss for ideas produced uses like, “writing verbs, writing nouns, writing punctuation” - obviously lacking originality. However, as I continued the exercise I began to create ridiculous (and original) uses. For example, sending a favorite teacher a bouquet of pencils, or using a pencil as temporary arms for broken eyeglasses. I am still working towards my 100 different uses, but I have just passed the 40 Milestone.
Working through this activity made me consider - in what areas do I hope to be original. Then I paused to think; sometimes we put so much effort into achieving originality that we do not stop to reflect that we as individuals are already original. In simply being true to our own unique hearts, we love our own way, we trust our own way, we laugh our own way and we dream our own way. What a blessing! We simply have to learn to be comfortable in our own skin to be original.
Surely our own originality will flow out into the practical areas of careers, as well as written and artistic works. We should always strive to meet goals that challenge our norm– but with the understanding that as unique individuals we are already working with our own original brand.

The truth about originality is that we all leave footprints in the sand of relatively the same size – some are just looked at with greater magnification.

Just listening...

I am sitting just listening to the thunder crash…the light show outside is one that almost takes your breath away. The electric lightning is made even more dramatic by the darkness inside the house…the power has gone off. I have many memories stored in my mind surrounding this very context. It seemed that almost every blackout we would play endless hours of SORRY, the game that makes even a power outage seem short.
There is something majestic about lightning storms. Such beauty in the split second of light, then power and strength in the rumble that follows. As much as I have grown to appreciate observing different art, I have never found an exhibit that captures my attention the way the natural world does.
The past week has held a few powerful moments for me. My friend and I pushed physical boundaries to swim, bike, and run - completing our first triathlon. Besides the obvious physical demands, I found myself feeling fairly emotional as we crossed the finish line. What energy I felt in the realization that I could achieve something so beyond my initial ability! In all honesty, I found myself wondering when I could participate in this event again.
I am also learning the power of being honest…at times brutally honest – both with others and myself. In the past I have attempted to always please those around me – often to the point of repressing my real reactions and feelings. Working at letting my heart speak honestly is both difficult and necessary. Pleasantness and surface talk can lead relationships to become something no longer real. By being honest and expressing real feelings, I have put myself in a vulnerable place. It is from this place that deep and real friendships can grow. It may be a friendship that looks different than before, but it is still something to treasure.
Not only have these experiences themselves been powerful, but the reflection and thoughts afterwards also develop feelings of empowerment. Not because I am always strong, but because I am willing to experience my weakness and strive to be present in moments where I find my inner strength.
So I am just listening…to hear the sounds of the power around me and carefully to hear the power within me.

Somewhat of a beginning...

I enjoy using the written form to reflect on different experiences in life. I understand that often my words are only significant to me. However, the beauty of sharing thoughts and ideas is that they can open doors in the minds of others. Over the past few years, I have enjoyed traveling through the written words of my cousin’s blog. I find entering this world can be consuming to both the spirit and mind. Inspiration and thirst for life begins to seep out onto those close by – challenging the reader to live life on purpose. So here are my personal experiences, my reflections, my hopes and dreams – as well as my weaknesses, my fears, and my failures. All working together to create the collage that is life.
I am entering a new stage of life – in other words, I am in the process of transitioning from school into career. Graduating left me with a feeling of sadness for what familiarity and guidance I was leaving behind. However, this sadness was coupled with a building eagerness to see what was on the path ahead. This new stage brings the anxiety of the unknown and the fear of possible failure in an area that is my heart’s passion. As I feel more familiar with this stage, I have become more aware of how important it will be to maintain a sense of balance and center.
I just returned from a wonderful trip that was a time of reflection, dreaming, and creating new goals for what is to come. I am working at digging deep to see what dreams are closest to my heart. At times I find being alone with my thoughts intimidating… but it is in those moments that your heart and spirit breathe the words your mind needs to hear… So I am trusting that as I become more open to what is both around me and within me, I will be led in a more real and genuine direction.
In working towards maintaining balance, I have begun to work through activities that challenge my personal creative process. I began to explore unrestricted drawing and sketching today. All the activity asks is that you do not restrict any thought or movement that comes through. One page I started filling with words that I hope to live by. Hope, love, dreams, passion, goals…etc.; yet, as I continued it became more difficult to think of words along this same line. My charcoal shifted and began writing words over what had been previously written. Words like fear, weaknesses, control, and failure began to appear. Feelings that can often be restrictive forces in life. Perhaps these words come forth because in my mind they can have great power if I allow them to. This visual provided a powerful image of how things so close to our hearts can be hidden for fear of what forces outside may push back. This is familiar to me - at times I find myself concerned with the thoughts of others, how they perceive what I say and do; and other times my own thoughts tear down what I expose. I am finding that I am more willing to learn about the different ways my heart reacts to situations, instead of feeling threatening I feel more empowered to be present during those moments and see value in them.
The most empowering feeling, however, is the understanding that this a journey with no end point. I can only make an effort to simply live in a way where I am present in each moment.