Anticipation of Change...

Sometimes change happens so quickly that we are left dumbfounded – unsure how to process the situation. Other times, change happens so slowly that we are unable to pin-point exactly where it began or see where it ended. Maybe in these situations change is not the right word. Perhaps we are just walking along our life’s path and at moments we wake up and find ourselves in a different place. In these moments of reflection, we see clearly where we have come from and look forward to where we are headed. Things look different because our spirits grow and… change. Our experiences and feelings weave through our lives changing our perspectives, our desires and our dreams.

I feel myself changing. The way I look at the world has shifted so much over the past few years. My dreams and desires have also changed as I have experienced different things. I am content with who I am and what I am doing, but my heart aches for a change.

This change means uprooting myself and moving. Changing to live in a place that I love, being around people I care about, going back to school and working towards a new professional goal. All these things are intimidating and overwhelming to process. However, instead of fear and anxiety I feel anticipation and excitement. I miss so many things about the city I fell in love with over the summer. The busy spirit, the multi-cultural flare and artistic influence make Toronto a desirable place to be.

So, when I found myself in a different place and recognized how I have changed, I made decisions. I have applied to programs and I will continue to look at other options as back-ups. At home I do not feel as motivated or content – so I need to move where I will feel happy. Will I miss things about the life I have here? Of course! I have wonderful friends, an incredible family and mountains. These things will continue to exist while I am gone and coming home is always an option. My heart just feels pulled in a different direction and making the choice not to follow it would be cheating myself. So, I am being open to what is ahead. I am open to changes and growth. I am open to new experiences and new feelings. I face all these things with anticipation.

Balance...

Breathe in...Breathe out...Breathe in...Breathe out...this is my life-giving rhythm that guides me through each pose of the Sun Salutation. I have just started taking a yoga class. I have always loved the idea of yoga and have worked through various poses with the guidance of friends or an interesting DVD. However, there is something powerful about hearing the voice of another presence in the room. Guiding you to feel and be aware of your body. I love being able to move through different positions and feel where my body is strong and where it is weak. I am learning the power of breathing and the immense joy of mindful relaxation. Some days I do not feel like stretching my tired and tightly-wound body. However, when I step onto my mat and hear the South-African accent of my wonderful teacher I feel peaceful. So many things within Yoga practice are based around the concept of balance. Phrases such as, “What you do to one side, you must also do to the other” or “The flow of breath both in and out” are centered on balance. So are many of the poses, challenging you to strengthen your core and balance your body.

I feel that going to Yoga has also challenged me to look at balance in other areas of my life. This summer was so invigorating and refreshing. I was very active and my mind was engaged in so many different and unique things. I explored and learned. I read and wrote. I slept and walked. My life was filled with balance.

Coming back to school has been an adjustment. I have come home to the familiar. My life is naturally filled with stress and exhaustion – which sometimes makes me wonder if this is the path I will stay on forever. However, I am learning that I need to balance. I am learning the importance of not doing work on the weekends. Instead I am spending time with friends, family or with myself.

I am learning to balance… something that will probably take a lifetime to master.

Mixed feelings...

At this moment, my heart feels uneasy. In one breath I am overwhelmed with sadness when I think that in two days I will be leaving. In the next moment my spirits lift at the thought of seeing my brother at the arrivals gate and at the thought of spending time with my close friends from home and my other two musketeers.

When I began planning my trip to Toronto – it was just an adventure to a great city. The only emotional connections were my wonderful cousin (although I believe that secretly I continue to hope she is not a permanent Toronto resident) and a few “acquaintance” friends who I had spent only a little time with. Now, in the face of leaving, I realize how settled I have become. I feel comfortable with the area I live in and the regular places I visit. The friends I have made here have become a wonderful blessing in my life. They have different backgrounds and different life experiences, but they are so giving and we are always able to laugh together. I have enjoyed living with Heather and Patrick. It is very painful to think of not seeing Heather as often. Not only do I love the people that are here in Toronto, I have fallen in love with Toronto - the energy, the tastes and sounds, and the vibrant cultural life. It will be very difficult to now step back to a place where things move at a much slower pace and where my stress levels tend to rise!

There are many things that I am looking forward to at home. My bed : ) and having my own household things. My wonderful support system that knows me in my everyday life – not just the 2-month window where I am relaxed and peaceful. My mountains… I do miss them. Instead of focusing on the negative about my next step, I need to focus on goals to keep my spirit high and discover how to carry on the benefits I have experienced this summer. I have many things that I hope to work towards this year. And I will explore what options I have for this next year – making a decision that settles my heart and continues to invigorate my spirit. These are the things I tell myself – but at times I cannot get past the mixed feelings I have in my heart. The feelings that at this moment are causing my eyes to well and my heart to hurt – I need to remember to breathe. 

Things of such significance...

At this moment what do I see? I see the impressive abstract glass windows that make up the front of the Royal Ontario Museum. They are meant to grab your attention and entice you inside to experience things of different size, but equal significance! I love to learn and as a result, I find the thought of wandering through hallways filled with artifacts and information appealing. Early on in my trip, I spent the afternoon here with a friend exploring the Dead Sea scrolls exhibit. To think that these pieces of parchment have survived thousands of years to be discovered, translated, interpreted and lived by. To say the least, they are objects of significance in the history of Jewish and Christian people. Maybe one day we will discover that the overlap between various religions is such that we all serve the same Being in different ways. We may discover that instead of arguing our own uniqueness, we should be acknowledging our similarities.

I believe that when I stop and look back on my life, this summer will always hold great significance in my life. Not because I learned basic French, nor because I spent two months away from home. It is significant because of how I have grown. It is significant because of the people who have touched my heart and the places that have opened my eyes. I have felt alive and inspired. Loved and challenged. Without question I know that I was meant to spend this summer in Toronto. 

Surprises of all kinds...

Turning on the shower to be shocked immediately with cold water, discovering that a pompom can be very entertaining, hearing the melodious voice of Maria singing about her “Favorite Things”, and learning that one of your closest friends has flown across the country to spend your birthday with you… all wonderful, lovely, joy in the depth of your soul surprises.

I had been building up to the release of Harry Potter: The Half-Blood Prince movie for a couple months. So, when my Toronto friend suggested taking in a late show the Thursday before my birthday, I jumped. With my Birthday weekend creeping closer, Heather and I had been scheduling each moment with fun activities. Having the opportunity to see the new Harry Potter, was just the cherry-on-top (little did I know… that I really knew nothing at all). I jumped in the front seat of the car, excited for the evening. There was a knock at my window and I turned to see a familiar face and shadow. In the reality of where I was, I quickly convinced myself that it wasn’t possible. However, I was wrong – my dear friend Denise had flown into Toronto for a surprise visit that apparently had been planned since May!! At first I screamed, then I just stared and then I apparently looked pissed off (I wasn’t… just maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed). I have since identified these as the 3 stages of Surprise.

The four days that followed with laughter, activity and fun. She is the type of friend who I feel myself with… my goofy, awkward, spontaneous-self. The itinerary included: Lunch at the CN tower, a Blue Jays game, St. Lawrence Market, Dinner and Sound of Music, wine tasting at Niagara-on-the-Lake, shopping and Béyonce concert finale. All the activities were enriched by having yet another friend to laugh with and experience this great city with. Needless to say, a picture says a thousand words… and we took a lot of pictures. Oh and we did go see Harry Potter.

House Number 36...

In the beginning of Harry Potter’s adventures there is a house at Number 4 Privet Drive. As a reader, the detailed description of this, “thoroughly ordinary house, on a thoroughly ordinary road” captures your attention. The first home Harry knows is living with the Dursleys in Number 4. However, because of the vivid picture the author paints, the reader almost immediately associates a bitter taste with this house on Privet Drive.  It is amazing how words can create a picture in our mind’s eye. As well, develop feelings and help create understanding of something we do not know. As I sit at my Number 36, I hope to paint you such a picture, help you develop both feeling and understanding about this home… And I do hope you leave with a different picture than that of Number 4 Privet Drive.

Have you ever walked down a lane where the strong trees on both sides of you have stretched and grown forming an arch above? As you walk down such a lane, you are able to hear the rustling of the leaves and almost feel as though you have been taken to peaceful place – no matter what busyness is around you. This is essence is the description of my street. A small one-way road that holds beautiful old brick houses on both sides – each with their own unique characteristics that reflect their inhabitants. As you walk down this lane in particular, you are able to see the CN tower peek through the leaves, just to remind you of the great bustling city surrounding this quiet street. From the beautiful balcony that I sit on each morning, I can see a beautiful Russian Orthodox Church that has visiting members throughout the week. Heather and Patrick have covered their balcony with tomato and herb plants, along with various vines and bedded flowers. Their home is definitely eclectic. Reflecting the tastes and personalities of both individuals. Needless to say, I feel at home here.

Oh, how I enjoy Toronto! I am close to the university and its beautiful campus buildings, parks and coffee shops. Although the radio is spotted with the regular traffic reports that I hear at home, the majority of people spilling out onto the streets for the morning commute are either walking or riding their bikes. The global mentality here is refreshing. Recycling is not an idea with good intentions, but rather an accepted habit. They have different initiatives to encourage waste reduction, such as the green bin for compostable waste, no provincial tax on bikes, green taxis powered by bicycles and lower energy rates on the weekend.

The first week I found it difficult to deal with the excessive amount of time I had on my hands. However, this week I feel as though I have found my footing. Heather and I have been very active, which is wonderful – running, biking, swimming, you name it! We too have also found our footing, to the point of laughing uncontrollably while trying to do sit-ups.

I have filled my days with so much and I feel as though this was the right decision for me this summer. I have:

Enjoyed a Rib-Fest - a gorging of ribs, sauces and beer.

Watched a live, outdoor show of Blue Rodeo.

Sing Karaoke in a Private Room

Sat in numerous coffee shops

Watched Canada Day fireworks

Experienced the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit

Bought a bike

Read a few books

Walked through an outdoor Art Show

Savored gelato at a Little Italy Festival

Visited with new friends and spent time with family

Oh and I have also started taking my French classes, worth mentioning as it was the original purpose for coming...

I feel so blessed each day when I wake up and realize where I am. After all it’s not every day that one has the chance to live in the not so ordinary house, on the not so ordinary street.

I am blessed with wonderful friends. They are what keep me sane, content and motivated. We share interests and passions, laughter and frustrations. Despite the fact that I sometimes unload on their patient and empathetic ears, they still seem to stick around – offering unconditional love and support. In the darkest of moments, the words of encouraging friends help you to see yourself through their eyes. It is then that you realize that nothing you do can ever change the bond that has developed. Yes, you can cause hurt, frustration, and anger. However, a true friend will still be there to accept the apology and try again. My deepest hope is that I can return even half of what they have given me through their friendship. As I continue moving through different stages of life – high school, college and now a career focused life – I am learning a great deal about my friendships. There are some which are very new; however, they have truly brought my heart and soul such joy. I have been blessed to find two women at work that I absolutely adore. They are genuine, honest and kind. We bring different backgrounds, different life experiences and different opinions. Yet, together, we three stooges (as we are labeled at work), have wonderful discussions, laughing fits, and despite the youth of our friendship, I feel as though I know these two so well.

I also feel blessed to find two wonderful friends in both my parents. My mom, without question, is my best friend. She is someone who always encourages and supports. Without her I would feel lost. My dad pours out love from a generous, calm and giving spirit. Their marriage, which is based of a wonderful friendship, is truly my life’s pillar. Friendships look so different, yet each has something to offer. I feel blessed having a mosaic of friends who are all so unique. For these individuals often push me to work, play, think and feel with all my heart.

I have come to one ending. Today, as I stood at the doorway to my empty classroom, I took a deep breath and felt at peace. During the past year, I have learned so much in that room. I have fallen in love with my passion of teaching, and in the same breath I have fought against this passion in moments of frustration. I have learned the precious nature of childhood and the gifts each little heart has to share. I have started learning the importance of balance in my life. I have learned that I am a hard worker who goes beyond my responsibilities. I have learned that I am capable at the profession I have chosen - thank goodness. The last day of school was filled with wonderful excitement for summer and tears for leaving something behind. My heart was overwhelmed by the words I received from “my kids” and their parents. In those moments I know that I can return to pour out energy, care and creativity on a new class in September.

As I left my classroom behind, my mind began to shift to my summer adventure! All day I have contained butterflies and dancing feet. As I sit in the airport I feel overwhelmed, excited and exhausted. This summer promises to hold adventure, friendship, learning, and growth. So, in the ending of the school year, I jump right into the beginning of my summer in Toronto. Stay tuned…

You are My Sunshine

Do you know that slow transition you make as you pull out of a quiet sleep into consciousness? When you are woken by the sunlight kissing your face as it passes through the window. You hear birds happily serenading as they bask in the new day. Finally, this all leads up to the point when you open your eyes to see the brand new day. It is one of those small, yet wonderful, moments to enjoy. Josh Radin has a song, Brand New Day, written to describe a moment like this.

“Some kind of magic

Happens late at night

When the moon smiles down on me

And bathes me in it’s light

 

I fell asleep beneath you

In the tall blades of grass

When I woke the world was new

I never had to ask

 

It’s a brand new day

The sun is shinning

It’s a brand new day

For the first time

In such a long, long time

I know I’ll be ok”

 

There is something inspiring and refreshing about sunshine. It motivates even the most determined recluse to come out of hiding into the great outdoors. Speaking for myself, sunlight has the power to lift my mood and change my outlook on the world around me. Perhaps it is connected to the childhood memories I have of my mom singing You are My Sunshine. She used to come in before I fell asleep and let me know that I make her happy when skies are blue. No matter the reason, I have always loved sunshine. As my skin tingles and my body warms, I know that I have so many reasons to be truly joyful. Even when I lay facing the sunlit sky, with eyes closed, the sun penetrates my eyelids and I see light. Or perhaps I could believe that sitting in the sun causes my soul to shine and that light is simply a reflection from within.

As each day is filled with more hours of sunlight, my heart leaps in anticipation for summer. I have such wonderful plans - I am going to live in a vibrant city. I am going to experience a new place and learn new things. For the 9 weeks of summer I am going to live in Toronto. Other than taking French courses, I really have left my plans unmade.

I feel blessed to be hosted by two of my favorite people. My beautiful cousin Heather, where my heart finds its home, for she is someone I am my giggly, impulsive, passionate and adventuresome-self with. We have shared so many wonderful memories and hopefully this summer will add more to the repertoire. We will share such wonderful conversations, dreams, and CLOTHES! Then there is Patrick who, despite our short times together, has truly shown me his large and giving heart. He is a kindred spirit. One who I trust to pour out love on my dear cousin, especially while I am so far away. I know that the next few months will pass quickly, but still I can hardly handle the excitement of waiting.

Yet, as the school year comes to a close I also feel an overwhelming loss. Although I have faced many challenges over this past year, I also know that I have made room in my heart for each of my students. They are so unique and I cannot imagine my life without them. Each day, sometimes despite overwhelming fatigue, they have made me smile. They have taught me so many things – sometimes by accident and other times intentionally. As we prepare for separation, I notice a change in my students as well. It is clear what a special relationship has formed during the year. I will miss them… ALL of them – which says a great deal. Even though next September my classroom will be filled with 25 + new faces, there will always be a special place for my first class.

Just like each morning the sunrises and each evening it sets, life continues on, moving forward each day. I know I am blessed, but sometimes I need to sit in the sun to be reminded.

Picture Found:

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Words...

When I walked through the doors today, I already felt exhausted. These past few months have been filled with ups and downs. At points I have felt defeated, at other points I have felt elated. Some days have left me feeling drained and pushed my towards unhealthy coping mechanisms. Other days have left me feeling on top of the world and willing to take on any and every upcoming challenge.
So, what has happened to create this repertoire of feelings? I have run, I have dated, I have danced, I have spent time with friends and family, I have started planning my summer, and I have taught. Each of these activities takes time and emotional energy, yet they also build my strength and help me grow.
I pushed myself to step outside my comfort zone and I online dated - something I never saw myself doing. Yet, like so many experiences, I found myself observing others and learning even more about myself. For instance, I talk… especially when I am nervous. I also learned that in a relationship I need someone who will be confident and willing to stand up against me. I feel frustrated by a passive personality – not sure what that says about my nature. I also learned that it is a huge thing to risk my heart. I have experienced hurt – to say I have “been hurt” is not accurate, because my decisions contributed to the hurt. Even so, the idea of opening up and being vulnerable makes my hold tight to myself and take a deep breath. It scares me. I know it is worth the risk, I know that I will have to take that risk if I want to fall in love, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am scared. I have committed to being honest about how I feel in the presence of the other person, judging my level of attraction, and not convincing myself of feelings I do not have. I am not risking my heart, nor wasting my time on something that is not right for me. I am content being single; I love my life… my friends, my family and the passion I have chosen. When I find an individual, who truly touches something deep inside my heart and my desires, I will stop exploring… and risk.
So many things come in contact with our hearts - feelings, fears, dreams, desires and words. All of these things impact how we see the world and experience things around us. I am so blessed. My family and friends continually pour beautiful and uplifting words into my life. I love you – such common words during my childhood and even now it is said freely.
Sometimes words are not uplifting. Instead they are hurtful and frustrating. It breaks my heart to hear my kids share words that express hurt. “My Dad didn’t come and get me this weekend”, “My mom was sleeping this morning so I got my brother and I ready on my own”, and “I can’t”. They express their feelings with guards down, feeling safe enough to share. Sometimes I observe the hurt instead. Watching a student blow-up and be brought to tears in frustration. Each day we are bombarded with words – in my world it is mainly “Miss Mac”, I cannot even count the number of times I hear my name in a day. However, there are days where words, even those of a 9 year old, bruise my heart. An escalation that ends with the words “I hate you” is both frustrating and draining. That moment can crush the best efforts to communicate daily that I care and want to help.
Yet, time and time again, uplifting words win over. Today, all feelings of frustration and defeat were pushed away when I found a small piece of paper and read these words. “Miss Mac - Excellent teacher, fun teacher, joyful teacher, best in the world teacher, and most likely to change the world.” The fact that it was spelled incorrectly with a lopsided flower circling the words just melted my heart.
I want to share words – that is why I feel such release in journaling and writing on this blog. Being honest sometimes demands that we be in that hard place and share words that can truly have the power to break our hearts. However, there are also moments where we need to share words that build up and encourage those around us. Our words have such power and I would like to use them to melt hearts.

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I have a dream...

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."2
This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.
With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:
My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring

(Taken From:http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm)

Words made famous by a truly courageous man; a man whose words were filled with passion, freedom, and justice. The wake left behind his death would forever change this continent. “I have a dream that my four little children will live in a nation where they are not judged by the colour of their skin, but by the content of their character.” He speaks as a father, a man of colour and an equal human being. One cannot read or listen to his speech without feeling convicted in how they treat their fellow man.

Martin Luther King Jr. is a man that I would love to sit and have coffee with. I can only imagine what his vision for the present world would be. We have come so far with equal rights, yet we have so far yet to go.

I have been thinking about this great man a great deal lately. In my classroom we are working on a Courage unit (No, I cannot turn off my brain when it comes to school. Yes, my SweetPea, I’m learning to balance. Yes, I have always been this way, pondering information as I experience it, no matter the source). We have briefly discussed different individuals, such as Mother Teresa, Terry Fox, Farley (from For Better or Worse), Froddo, Despereaux the mighty mouse, Nelson Mendella, and of course Martin Luther King Jr.

After watching his inspiring speech and reading the words that spoke of his dream, my kids were in awe. First, that people have not always been treated equally – thank goodness this is out of the realm of their personal experience. Second, that someone would be killed for standing up for what is right. I felt overwhelmed in that moment, the kids were looking at their world with a different perspective and … wondering.

In a response to the “I have a dream” speech, we brainstormed things we hoped would change in our world. Despite being 9 and 10, these kids were well aware of things that should be different.
Each student wrote their own “I have a dream…” phrases. As I read them, I realized how much hope I have for our world.

“I have a dream that there will be clean water in Africa.”
“I have a dream that there will be no more diseases, violence or pollution.”
“I have a dream that my baby cousins will grow up to be big, strong and healthy.”
“I have a dream that I will make it on my favorite hockey team, then I can shave my head for cancer.”
“I have a dream that no one will be bullied ever again.”
“I have a dream that one day the world will live in peace with no war and no fighting.”
“I have a dream that one day no one will sell drugs and no one will do drugs.”
“I have a dream that everyone will have a home.”
“I have a dream that I will be a millionaire so that I can give my money to the poor.”
“I have a dream that there will be not more murdering and drunk driving.”
“I have a dream that they would find the cure for cancer.”
“I have a dream that one day everyone will have clean water and good food.”

These are dreams of children, dreams that can change the world if we encourage them - leaving behind a wake that could change our world forever.