At this moment, my heart feels uneasy. In one breath I am overwhelmed with sadness when I think that in two days I will be leaving. In the next moment my spirits lift at the thought of seeing my brother at the arrivals gate and at the thought of spending time with my close friends from home and my other two musketeers.
When I began planning my trip to Toronto – it was just an adventure to a great city. The only emotional connections were my wonderful cousin (although I believe that secretly I continue to hope she is not a permanent Toronto resident) and a few “acquaintance” friends who I had spent only a little time with. Now, in the face of leaving, I realize how settled I have become. I feel comfortable with the area I live in and the regular places I visit. The friends I have made here have become a wonderful blessing in my life. They have different backgrounds and different life experiences, but they are so giving and we are always able to laugh together. I have enjoyed living with Heather and Patrick. It is very painful to think of not seeing Heather as often. Not only do I love the people that are here in Toronto, I have fallen in love with Toronto - the energy, the tastes and sounds, and the vibrant cultural life. It will be very difficult to now step back to a place where things move at a much slower pace and where my stress levels tend to rise!
There are many things that I am looking forward to at home. My bed : ) and having my own household things. My wonderful support system that knows me in my everyday life – not just the 2-month window where I am relaxed and peaceful. My mountains… I do miss them. Instead of focusing on the negative about my next step, I need to focus on goals to keep my spirit high and discover how to carry on the benefits I have experienced this summer. I have many things that I hope to work towards this year. And I will explore what options I have for this next year – making a decision that settles my heart and continues to invigorate my spirit. These are the things I tell myself – but at times I cannot get past the mixed feelings I have in my heart. The feelings that at this moment are causing my eyes to well and my heart to hurt – I need to remember to breathe.
2 comments:
It is a yucky feeling to feel torn between two places. I know though that you will seek that which takes your breath away and makes you feel alive no matter where you are. AND the you will find little ways to fill the emptiness of the things that moved into your heart here. I love you and I miss you sooo much already. Wish that you were just visiting Alberta and were coming home in a couple of weeks.
Sarah it is good to have you back. I missed your smile and your awesome laugh. We are going to have a grrrrrrrrrreat year and remember that nothing is permanent. Also I think that as a young teacher it is inevitable to feel torn whether you were away or just a short province away or even at home in your own community, for two months you are not Miss Mac you are Sarah. I think that maybe just maybe it might be a little bitter sweet every year. Missed you much and glad you are home.
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