My Home is where my Heart is...

At different points over the past year I have felt slightly displaced. My being is attached to two places…two time zones. One place has a night sky that is filled with sparkling city lights, it is made up of unique streets and neighbourhoods, and it holds so many people from different places with different stories. The other place I love has a majestic blanket of stars that comes out each night, it has views that consist of rolling plains and snowy mountains, and it has people who know who I am. Both places are important to me, for it seems that while I have spent time cultivating a community in Toronto, my existing support system at home continues to capture my thoughts.

When I was on my flight to Calgary, just as we were beginning to descend, the gentleman sitting next to me asked where I was from and whether I was coming home of just visiting. I told him that I live in Toronto, but that I was coming home for a visit. He then asked, “Well then, what do you call Toronto?” In that moment I was caught in a realization. I always refer to my trip, whether traveling to Cremona or Toronto, as my journey home. When people ask about where I’m from I find myself weighing my relationship to place within the specific context, asking myself “where am I from in this moment?” When I am asked how long I have been in Toronto I can no longer say that I just moved from Alberta – the reality is that I have been here a year and my life is beginning to establish itself in this new place. In essence I have created a new home…but what does that mean to have two places that hold such meaning, will I ever feel content having one without the other?

Home is such an interesting idea…in some ways we are meant to understand it as a fixed and unmoving place. It is almost always directly attached to a specific location, for me this is especially true because my family has been in the same home since before I was born. That shifted when moved my life across the country, destabilizing my understanding of home. Slowly over the year I began to feel attached to my spaces and the people who created my community in Ontario. I began to understand home differently. There is the home in my life where my family is, where I grew up and where my roots are. However, there is also a home where my daily-life functions – a home where I find myself discovering favorite new places and meeting wonderful new people. I have created a home where my heart feels safe and present. Yet, in the same breath my heart and soul feels equally present and safe in the place where I grew up.

What I am learning is that home is fluid and perhaps more importantly, it is a feeling. It is a feeling that can be felt in more than one place, it is a feeling that can be felt with more than one person…it transcends the existing physical boundaries that exist within our world. My Grandma had a cross-stitch wall hanging that said, “Home is where the Heart is”…a sentiment that I had always assumed was just a given. However, as I spread my heart and my life between two different places, I begin to really understand the meaning behind that saying. Home is wherever your heart feels safe, loved and present. I feel blessed because my heart feels at home in many different places with many different people. I am able to go home…to either place…and know that I can be myself and belong.

Trying to "be"

One of my favorite Psalms is “Be still and know that I am God.” (46:10). My perspective and understanding of the church has shifted over the past few years, but in the core of my being I still believe in the power and limitless love of an omnipresent Creator...whatever form it may take. In moments when I have felt anxious or overwhelmed, this verse will often come to mind and I immediately feel a calm wash over me. Just a small thought, a short phrase, telling me to just “Be still…”

I love the word “Be”, because it refers to your actual state of being, the way you are in each and every moment. “Be” present, “Be” honest, “Be” genuine, “Be” loving, “Be” committed and “Be” real. Sometimes it is difficult to step back from different situations, to truly “Be” present in each moment.

Over the past few months, there have been many changes in my life and my heart has experienced so many overwhelming emotions. In preparing to leave I felt as though I was on a rollercoaster, trying to tie up last minute details, pack, and spend time with people who are precious in my life. There were moments of anticipation and excitement as my departure became 3 sleeps, then 2 sleeps, then 1 sleep away. Then there was spending time with friends and knowing that this was the last time that I would see them for months, which made my heart feel sad and a little lost. And then the climax of leaving the safe embrace of my parents made me feel nauseous with pain. I found myself struggling to try and enjoy each moment with the people that I love, while still allowing myself to feel sad. I felt that everyone expected my attitude to be filled with nothing but excitement, but that definitely wasn’t the only feeling I was experiencing. Inside my chest all I could feel was my heart as it flip-flopped. In the end I drove away, tears were streaming down my face and I was singing out-loud to my Dixie Chicks as they sang Wide Open Spaces.

My saving grace was that I did not make the long journey out East alone. A friend who is so giving and caring, a friend who I feel completely myself with and a friend who loves me despite my flaws and moods, this friend was willing to spend a portion of her holiday to travel with me across the continent…everyone should be so lucky to have such a friend. Her very presence filled the journey with wonderful memories in spite the MANY hours we spent in the car. We saw an albino buffalo named White Cloud in North Dakota, the largest tipi in Medicine Hat, the largest Prairie Chicken in Minnesota, the Mississippi River, the Millennium Park in Chicago, the 8 Mile exit in Detroit and the majestic Niagara Falls after we crossed over back into Canada. We passed billboard after billboard, presenting the local claim to fame and inviting anyone passing-by to join in the fun. The journey was long, but it was filled with laughter and moments of “Did you see that?” I cannot thank Marjie enough, for the time she took to drive with me as I moved from one place to another in my life – both physically and emotionally.

Now I am here, I am settling into a life that is unknown and unfamiliar. I am excited and apprehensive about starting school. I am changing light switches and painting as my friend turns his new condo into a home. I am reconnecting with friends that I have not seen since December and a cousin who, at times, feels like an extension of my personality. At times I feel restless not having a job, at times I miss the people I love, and at times I have to take a deep breath and mentally calm myself down. But I am here… I have arrived in a city I love…I am stepping outside my comfort zone… I am attempting to “be” in a new and exciting place. I will make mistakes, I will get lost, I will feel overwhelmed… but I will be able to pull myself together, I will be able move forward, I will be caught by the friends I have here and those I love at home. And, in some moments I will need to just try to “be”.

Trying to see what comes next…

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. All I would want is a teeny-tiny glimpse of what is to come. But…if I foresee myself failing, will I still have the motivation to try? If I foresee heartbreak, will I still risk being vulnerable? Maybe… maybe not. It is probably best that I do not know what mistakes I will make and what successes I will have. However, at this moment, as I register for classes and prepare paperwork for moving… I wish I had access to a crystal ball.

When I have time to be alone with my thoughts (which is happening less and less as things become more and more busy) I feel anxious about so many things. What happens if I am not able to meet the standards of the courses I am taking? What if I do not make friends that feed my soul like the friends I have here at home? What if I am so homesick for my family that it consumes me? What if moving is a terrible decision? Yes, I know that this is my fears talking, which increase as my date of departure gets closer. Perhaps I just cannot imagine being so far from home… for so long.

But…in the same breath, I can hardly wait to be back in the urban center that captured my being. I can’t wait to visit places that made my soul feel vibrant and spend time with the people I miss. Although I do not know the events that will unfold, I can definitely foresee the adventure! I have made the promise to myself that I will cease every opportunity for worthwhile experiences. In unfamiliar situations I know that I sometimes withdraw and separate myself. However, I know that my involvement in the excitement around me will be vital to feeling happy in my new circumstances. So, I will make it my mission to meet new people, enjoy new places and take the opportunity to learn from everything.

Things are coming so quickly and I am beginning to feel emotional about leaving. How lucky I am to feel such a strong attachment to the people in my life and the places where I am present! If I were not sad or sentimental about leaving, then what would that say about the life I have here? In leaving I know that I will make the effort to keep friends close and witness their lives from afar. And of course I will be home to visit…

Despite all this, I still do wish that I could know what is to come…know what is behind the door.

Just Waiting.

On the first of February, 27 days after Haiti experienced the horrific earthquake a twenty-eight year old man was pulled from the rubble. He was a market vendor who made his daily living selling rice and had just finished his day when the earthquake shook Port-au-Prince. He was isolated underground, surrounded by rubble. Yet, he managed to survive on fruit and water that he was able to find. He sustained minor injuries, yes, but he waited for 27 days to see daylight…27 days to smell fresh air and feel safe…27 days to see another human being. 27 days is an incredibly long time to wait.

Waiting creates such an interesting array of emotions. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for this young man. The uncertainty of what was to come, wondering whether he would ever be able to reclaim the life he had worked to build. The human spirit is so resilient! It amazes me daily, because it is always there in the stories I hear and the little ones I observe. Even when people are unsure of what will come next or when they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I wonder how my soul would react to living such a life of uncertainty. Would I allow myself to be pulled in whatever direction fate handed me or would I push back and make my own way? Sometimes I really do no know.

There are many unknown factors that surround my move and waiting for responses about Plan A has been very unsettling. I do not enjoy sitting in this place…waiting. But, I have had some news and that means that a decision is in my sights. Making those last decisions will make it real. I have started sharing this news with friends and co-workers. This means that in the near future I will be saying goodbyes – something that I did not really allow to settle. These thoughts do not outweigh my excitement about what is coming, but my heart is starting to hurt with the thoughts of leaving loved ones behind. Still, there is nothing I can do yet. There is nothing that I can allow my heart to settle on just yet. At this point all I can do is wait.

Anticipation of Change...

Sometimes change happens so quickly that we are left dumbfounded – unsure how to process the situation. Other times, change happens so slowly that we are unable to pin-point exactly where it began or see where it ended. Maybe in these situations change is not the right word. Perhaps we are just walking along our life’s path and at moments we wake up and find ourselves in a different place. In these moments of reflection, we see clearly where we have come from and look forward to where we are headed. Things look different because our spirits grow and… change. Our experiences and feelings weave through our lives changing our perspectives, our desires and our dreams.

I feel myself changing. The way I look at the world has shifted so much over the past few years. My dreams and desires have also changed as I have experienced different things. I am content with who I am and what I am doing, but my heart aches for a change.

This change means uprooting myself and moving. Changing to live in a place that I love, being around people I care about, going back to school and working towards a new professional goal. All these things are intimidating and overwhelming to process. However, instead of fear and anxiety I feel anticipation and excitement. I miss so many things about the city I fell in love with over the summer. The busy spirit, the multi-cultural flare and artistic influence make Toronto a desirable place to be.

So, when I found myself in a different place and recognized how I have changed, I made decisions. I have applied to programs and I will continue to look at other options as back-ups. At home I do not feel as motivated or content – so I need to move where I will feel happy. Will I miss things about the life I have here? Of course! I have wonderful friends, an incredible family and mountains. These things will continue to exist while I am gone and coming home is always an option. My heart just feels pulled in a different direction and making the choice not to follow it would be cheating myself. So, I am being open to what is ahead. I am open to changes and growth. I am open to new experiences and new feelings. I face all these things with anticipation.

Balance...

Breathe in...Breathe out...Breathe in...Breathe out...this is my life-giving rhythm that guides me through each pose of the Sun Salutation. I have just started taking a yoga class. I have always loved the idea of yoga and have worked through various poses with the guidance of friends or an interesting DVD. However, there is something powerful about hearing the voice of another presence in the room. Guiding you to feel and be aware of your body. I love being able to move through different positions and feel where my body is strong and where it is weak. I am learning the power of breathing and the immense joy of mindful relaxation. Some days I do not feel like stretching my tired and tightly-wound body. However, when I step onto my mat and hear the South-African accent of my wonderful teacher I feel peaceful. So many things within Yoga practice are based around the concept of balance. Phrases such as, “What you do to one side, you must also do to the other” or “The flow of breath both in and out” are centered on balance. So are many of the poses, challenging you to strengthen your core and balance your body.

I feel that going to Yoga has also challenged me to look at balance in other areas of my life. This summer was so invigorating and refreshing. I was very active and my mind was engaged in so many different and unique things. I explored and learned. I read and wrote. I slept and walked. My life was filled with balance.

Coming back to school has been an adjustment. I have come home to the familiar. My life is naturally filled with stress and exhaustion – which sometimes makes me wonder if this is the path I will stay on forever. However, I am learning that I need to balance. I am learning the importance of not doing work on the weekends. Instead I am spending time with friends, family or with myself.

I am learning to balance… something that will probably take a lifetime to master.

Mixed feelings...

At this moment, my heart feels uneasy. In one breath I am overwhelmed with sadness when I think that in two days I will be leaving. In the next moment my spirits lift at the thought of seeing my brother at the arrivals gate and at the thought of spending time with my close friends from home and my other two musketeers.

When I began planning my trip to Toronto – it was just an adventure to a great city. The only emotional connections were my wonderful cousin (although I believe that secretly I continue to hope she is not a permanent Toronto resident) and a few “acquaintance” friends who I had spent only a little time with. Now, in the face of leaving, I realize how settled I have become. I feel comfortable with the area I live in and the regular places I visit. The friends I have made here have become a wonderful blessing in my life. They have different backgrounds and different life experiences, but they are so giving and we are always able to laugh together. I have enjoyed living with Heather and Patrick. It is very painful to think of not seeing Heather as often. Not only do I love the people that are here in Toronto, I have fallen in love with Toronto - the energy, the tastes and sounds, and the vibrant cultural life. It will be very difficult to now step back to a place where things move at a much slower pace and where my stress levels tend to rise!

There are many things that I am looking forward to at home. My bed : ) and having my own household things. My wonderful support system that knows me in my everyday life – not just the 2-month window where I am relaxed and peaceful. My mountains… I do miss them. Instead of focusing on the negative about my next step, I need to focus on goals to keep my spirit high and discover how to carry on the benefits I have experienced this summer. I have many things that I hope to work towards this year. And I will explore what options I have for this next year – making a decision that settles my heart and continues to invigorate my spirit. These are the things I tell myself – but at times I cannot get past the mixed feelings I have in my heart. The feelings that at this moment are causing my eyes to well and my heart to hurt – I need to remember to breathe.