Trying to see what comes next…

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. All I would want is a teeny-tiny glimpse of what is to come. But…if I foresee myself failing, will I still have the motivation to try? If I foresee heartbreak, will I still risk being vulnerable? Maybe… maybe not. It is probably best that I do not know what mistakes I will make and what successes I will have. However, at this moment, as I register for classes and prepare paperwork for moving… I wish I had access to a crystal ball.

When I have time to be alone with my thoughts (which is happening less and less as things become more and more busy) I feel anxious about so many things. What happens if I am not able to meet the standards of the courses I am taking? What if I do not make friends that feed my soul like the friends I have here at home? What if I am so homesick for my family that it consumes me? What if moving is a terrible decision? Yes, I know that this is my fears talking, which increase as my date of departure gets closer. Perhaps I just cannot imagine being so far from home… for so long.

But…in the same breath, I can hardly wait to be back in the urban center that captured my being. I can’t wait to visit places that made my soul feel vibrant and spend time with the people I miss. Although I do not know the events that will unfold, I can definitely foresee the adventure! I have made the promise to myself that I will cease every opportunity for worthwhile experiences. In unfamiliar situations I know that I sometimes withdraw and separate myself. However, I know that my involvement in the excitement around me will be vital to feeling happy in my new circumstances. So, I will make it my mission to meet new people, enjoy new places and take the opportunity to learn from everything.

Things are coming so quickly and I am beginning to feel emotional about leaving. How lucky I am to feel such a strong attachment to the people in my life and the places where I am present! If I were not sad or sentimental about leaving, then what would that say about the life I have here? In leaving I know that I will make the effort to keep friends close and witness their lives from afar. And of course I will be home to visit…

Despite all this, I still do wish that I could know what is to come…know what is behind the door.