Trying to "be"

One of my favorite Psalms is “Be still and know that I am God.” (46:10). My perspective and understanding of the church has shifted over the past few years, but in the core of my being I still believe in the power and limitless love of an omnipresent Creator...whatever form it may take. In moments when I have felt anxious or overwhelmed, this verse will often come to mind and I immediately feel a calm wash over me. Just a small thought, a short phrase, telling me to just “Be still…”

I love the word “Be”, because it refers to your actual state of being, the way you are in each and every moment. “Be” present, “Be” honest, “Be” genuine, “Be” loving, “Be” committed and “Be” real. Sometimes it is difficult to step back from different situations, to truly “Be” present in each moment.

Over the past few months, there have been many changes in my life and my heart has experienced so many overwhelming emotions. In preparing to leave I felt as though I was on a rollercoaster, trying to tie up last minute details, pack, and spend time with people who are precious in my life. There were moments of anticipation and excitement as my departure became 3 sleeps, then 2 sleeps, then 1 sleep away. Then there was spending time with friends and knowing that this was the last time that I would see them for months, which made my heart feel sad and a little lost. And then the climax of leaving the safe embrace of my parents made me feel nauseous with pain. I found myself struggling to try and enjoy each moment with the people that I love, while still allowing myself to feel sad. I felt that everyone expected my attitude to be filled with nothing but excitement, but that definitely wasn’t the only feeling I was experiencing. Inside my chest all I could feel was my heart as it flip-flopped. In the end I drove away, tears were streaming down my face and I was singing out-loud to my Dixie Chicks as they sang Wide Open Spaces.

My saving grace was that I did not make the long journey out East alone. A friend who is so giving and caring, a friend who I feel completely myself with and a friend who loves me despite my flaws and moods, this friend was willing to spend a portion of her holiday to travel with me across the continent…everyone should be so lucky to have such a friend. Her very presence filled the journey with wonderful memories in spite the MANY hours we spent in the car. We saw an albino buffalo named White Cloud in North Dakota, the largest tipi in Medicine Hat, the largest Prairie Chicken in Minnesota, the Mississippi River, the Millennium Park in Chicago, the 8 Mile exit in Detroit and the majestic Niagara Falls after we crossed over back into Canada. We passed billboard after billboard, presenting the local claim to fame and inviting anyone passing-by to join in the fun. The journey was long, but it was filled with laughter and moments of “Did you see that?” I cannot thank Marjie enough, for the time she took to drive with me as I moved from one place to another in my life – both physically and emotionally.

Now I am here, I am settling into a life that is unknown and unfamiliar. I am excited and apprehensive about starting school. I am changing light switches and painting as my friend turns his new condo into a home. I am reconnecting with friends that I have not seen since December and a cousin who, at times, feels like an extension of my personality. At times I feel restless not having a job, at times I miss the people I love, and at times I have to take a deep breath and mentally calm myself down. But I am here… I have arrived in a city I love…I am stepping outside my comfort zone… I am attempting to “be” in a new and exciting place. I will make mistakes, I will get lost, I will feel overwhelmed… but I will be able to pull myself together, I will be able move forward, I will be caught by the friends I have here and those I love at home. And, in some moments I will need to just try to “be”.

Trying to see what comes next…

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. All I would want is a teeny-tiny glimpse of what is to come. But…if I foresee myself failing, will I still have the motivation to try? If I foresee heartbreak, will I still risk being vulnerable? Maybe… maybe not. It is probably best that I do not know what mistakes I will make and what successes I will have. However, at this moment, as I register for classes and prepare paperwork for moving… I wish I had access to a crystal ball.

When I have time to be alone with my thoughts (which is happening less and less as things become more and more busy) I feel anxious about so many things. What happens if I am not able to meet the standards of the courses I am taking? What if I do not make friends that feed my soul like the friends I have here at home? What if I am so homesick for my family that it consumes me? What if moving is a terrible decision? Yes, I know that this is my fears talking, which increase as my date of departure gets closer. Perhaps I just cannot imagine being so far from home… for so long.

But…in the same breath, I can hardly wait to be back in the urban center that captured my being. I can’t wait to visit places that made my soul feel vibrant and spend time with the people I miss. Although I do not know the events that will unfold, I can definitely foresee the adventure! I have made the promise to myself that I will cease every opportunity for worthwhile experiences. In unfamiliar situations I know that I sometimes withdraw and separate myself. However, I know that my involvement in the excitement around me will be vital to feeling happy in my new circumstances. So, I will make it my mission to meet new people, enjoy new places and take the opportunity to learn from everything.

Things are coming so quickly and I am beginning to feel emotional about leaving. How lucky I am to feel such a strong attachment to the people in my life and the places where I am present! If I were not sad or sentimental about leaving, then what would that say about the life I have here? In leaving I know that I will make the effort to keep friends close and witness their lives from afar. And of course I will be home to visit…

Despite all this, I still do wish that I could know what is to come…know what is behind the door.

Just Waiting.

On the first of February, 27 days after Haiti experienced the horrific earthquake a twenty-eight year old man was pulled from the rubble. He was a market vendor who made his daily living selling rice and had just finished his day when the earthquake shook Port-au-Prince. He was isolated underground, surrounded by rubble. Yet, he managed to survive on fruit and water that he was able to find. He sustained minor injuries, yes, but he waited for 27 days to see daylight…27 days to smell fresh air and feel safe…27 days to see another human being. 27 days is an incredibly long time to wait.

Waiting creates such an interesting array of emotions. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for this young man. The uncertainty of what was to come, wondering whether he would ever be able to reclaim the life he had worked to build. The human spirit is so resilient! It amazes me daily, because it is always there in the stories I hear and the little ones I observe. Even when people are unsure of what will come next or when they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I wonder how my soul would react to living such a life of uncertainty. Would I allow myself to be pulled in whatever direction fate handed me or would I push back and make my own way? Sometimes I really do no know.

There are many unknown factors that surround my move and waiting for responses about Plan A has been very unsettling. I do not enjoy sitting in this place…waiting. But, I have had some news and that means that a decision is in my sights. Making those last decisions will make it real. I have started sharing this news with friends and co-workers. This means that in the near future I will be saying goodbyes – something that I did not really allow to settle. These thoughts do not outweigh my excitement about what is coming, but my heart is starting to hurt with the thoughts of leaving loved ones behind. Still, there is nothing I can do yet. There is nothing that I can allow my heart to settle on just yet. At this point all I can do is wait.