She sounds different...

Yesterday was long. That is a simple statement that encompasses so many things. I felt drained, frustrated and emotional. When I feel that way, I often push those I care about most out to arms length. In most situations I am an extrovert. However, when I am processing feelings and experiences I tend to pull into myself and reflect. Am I sure whether that is the best way to deal with feelings... no...but then again, is anyone sure?
Grandma turned 86 yesterday - what an accomplishment! To have lived such a beautiful and strong existence. To have found someone she truly loved, to have poured continuously into children and grandchildren. To have been a career woman, something foreign to her generation. To have traveled and seen China, Hawaii, Kenya and other parts of North America. To have always shared an opinion that is based on her own thoughts.
I am proud knowing that my ability to debate and express my own thoughts comes from her. My stubborn or at times dogmatic behaviour, my smile, my ambition, my thirst for education and self-improvement, my love of laughter - even the feeling of almost peeing my pants when I laugh too hard... all these things I share with her.
I talked to her on the phone yesterday, wishing her a Happy Birthday and celebrating the life she has lived. She sounds different. There is still the strong, brilliant and beautiful woman that resonates from deep inside, but now it is masked by pain and awareness of how little time she has left. She expresses her desire to see her family and it is clear she feels the end is near.
Our holidays, our laughter, and the core of our family has always revolved around this rock of a woman. She holds us together, she makes moments special...now all things will change. We will adjust, I suppose. Although I wish that she would go peacefully, selfishly I hope she never will.
She has always sounded the same, but now my heart breaks because she sounds different...